Seeing as all the festivals this summer seem to have been canceled or postponed, I thought I would be mega helpful, do you all a massive solid, and put together an easy step-by-step list of how to bring the yearly festival blood, sweat, and alcohol to YOUR very OWN back garden. If you don't have a garden, that definitely sounds like a YOU problem - kidding. Feel free to go perform this list of activities in your local park, but don't expect us to pay the fine for your blatant disregard towards social distancing. Tbh, feel free to just use this list as an excuse to get absolutely pissed, because let's face it - what else are you doing? I know I'm having a bev whilst writing this *clink*.
1. The TUNES
Ok here goes, FESTIVAL 101. First things first, let's get the fundamentals in place - the MUSIC.
No DIY festival would be complete without some absolute certified bangers to keep you side stepping away until the early hours clutching whatever's left in your alcohol cupboard.
Here's an idea - why don't you create a shared playlist for you and all your mates to add all your fav tunes to? This way you can all hit play at the same time and pretend you're shuffling together. (Do people even still shuffle? Remember when that was a thing and it was regarded as cool, lol) ANYWAY - next.
2. All You Really Care About if You Have Resorted to Reading This - The Booze
Wahey, the best bit. Getting absolutely shit-faced. Feel free to stop reading after this point - the list peaks here.
SO, I suggest you prep a shopping list for this one. Do not, I REPEAT, do NOT - waste your daily trip to the supermarket. I need you to fully commit, take your stash of bags for life (because you might as well save the planet), and just buy whatever you fucking fancy. I'm talking crates of Corona (support a dying brand) with some fresh limes because we are FANCY, grab a few liters of the hard stuff - vodka, tequila, you name it. That's right, we're having shots. Even branch out a bit - try that weird bottle-of-something you've been eyeing up for months because why not? We are in a global crisis after all. In the UK we have this thing called 'Sourz' and 'Sidekick', and I am actually curious just how many bottles it would take before I make some MAD moves.
If you're feeling a bit boujee, I've attached a link below to some cocktails that look banging too.
3. The Scenic Instagramable Details
Yep, that's right. It is time to dig out that tent from your shed. If it's anything like the tent in my shed I would highly suggest accessorizing today's outfit with some trustee quarantine gloves, because who the fuck knows what that stain is that appeared last year. And watch out for spiders.
OK - assemble your tent and decorate with a few fairy lights from the Christmas box in the attic, but 100% leave the tinsel up there, as it's a fire hazard and WHO REALLY KNOWS how drunk we're going to be after this. *sips beverage*. OH, and if you live somewhere a bit rural, defo go rob a haybale for the full Coachella effect. You can sit on it and feel particularly inclined to sing 'Wonderwall' and give yourself some DIY dreadlocks (do the world a favor and don't).
DISCLAIMER: PEOPLE OF BRITAIN I do NOT suggest you sleep in this tent as you've got your own fucking bed probably 10 metres away, you wanker. ALSO, no hate to anyone who has dreads - we're all gods children.
4. FOOD
If I am being completely transparent - all I have done in this quarantine sitch is EAT. I am massive. Whale like even. I saw something on the gram the other day and legitimately felt personally attacked by a meme page. It went something like; "This summer is all about the personalities boys"...
ANYWAY - again, we need to take it back to that shopping list from a few moments ago. Get ready to stockpile carbohydrates and pot noodles. I need you to buy some oven chips and some grated cheese - bang them together for the British classic, 'cheesy chips' and finish by popping the meal in a cardboard container so we can pretend we paid nearly a tenner for it.
If we are REALLY going to commit to the cause we can try cooking on disposable bbq's. Pretty sure you can pick one up for a quid at B&M maybe? Hey, maybe that's my next post. Saturday Kitchen with Sam. However, anyone who knows me personally will assure you this is a horrible idea - all the more reason to go through with it...
5. The OUTFIT
I see you there, unshowered, wearing this week's pyjamas. I'm here to personally tell you to get a grip and get a WASH. No one may be able to smell you right now, but the alter ego or imaginary friend that has been cooking up in the minds eye as the days in quarantine grow gloomier, does. Not sure your dog is too happy about that STANK either.
Get ready boys and girls, it's time to go all out. That risque festival outfit you were a bit curious about giving a go - stick it on. I need you to parade around your gaff wearing it. I'm talking under, side, all angles of boob for the girls, I'm wanting glitter beards and shaved heads from the boys (If you've not done the COVID head shave yet I salute you). Use that blanket as a cape (now personally attacking myself here, this is my back and forth to the fridge attire) and let those bum cheeks hang loosely from those shorts. Glitter has to be fucking everywhere, to a point where you're finding it in your bellybutton and genitals at the end of this absolute journey. A true festival experience.
Let's be extra kids, and I look forward to seeing it all on the Houseparty app later.
